A Married Man

 

A Married Man

Chapter 1

June 1st

 I am married from last 10 years and yes I am not happy. This is not about what a man needs but this is about how his wife feels.

If your wife does not feel happy most of the time, your life feels unsuccessful. Especially you dont feel any motivation towards life. I am not sure It happens with all or just with me. But I believe this is the same case with most of the people if not all ? Am I right ? yes I am. Because  people do talk about how woman feels, how stressful life they have , how many movies you must have seen on human feelings, their situation based on social torture on them but there is not even a single movie i have seen in my 40 years of age which is based on Married man feelings. 

I heard in a broadcast that every 5th person is lonely in this world, and when I say world it does not categorize any specific categories or country. Like someone must be thinking in India we have dowry system or In India people are poor, or dont have basic needs of their life.

But the speaker in the broadcast was talking about all over survey report which he has done by doing years of research.

So let me let you why I am not happy. At night we were watching a match, had nice food. I asked my wife to go for a walk in the night time and I remember I had no argument at all.

I was unable to sleep at night almost the whole night. I slept around 3:30 am or maybe 4 but I set my alarm for 6:30 am so I can help my wife get Rudra ready or in her kitchen work. But I slept again trying for 5 more minutes and turned off my alarm as well.Then I noticed the time was already 8:34 after my 5 more minutes of nap. I understand I could not wake up but as soon as I woke up I tried to speak to my wife about some small thing but she didn't respond. Her mood was off, so I tried to do some cleaning. To help her, I kept some non-usable items outside of our gate for the cleaner to pick-it up. I asked my wife if I should do the brooming or moping. She said no, then I asked her if I should make juice which I make daily, one glass for her, one for myself, Dry-furits and mango with milk. She said not for me. Then I went downstairs for meditation. I kept on thinking what happened ? Did I make any mistakes at night ? Did I clean the utensils properly ? Did she see any message or any order from amazon for my family ? I could not find anything. I thought of calling my friend but dint call him, thinking what will he think ? That I always keep on complaining ?

Should I call my sister ? but then I re-call a video in which someone was giving GYAAN k never share your problems or pain with anyone. So I didn't call anyone , I simply played meditation music and some yoga. I heard a kid’s screaming sound while doing yoga, A kid, maybe age 8, got stuck on gym equipment, I helped him and made him call, informed his parents and then I came back. Once I came I told this to my wife to start some conversation, But I got no response. I have no idea why she is always in tension. She has never ever talked with any Boy, she is so good character if someone is trying to assume anything negative thoughts. It's just her own world. She is busy at work and all the time she keeps on thinking about something.

I am feeling so alone and let out everything in my diary but due to privacy I don't write in my diary as well. So here I come to let out my loneliness today as on 1st June 2026.

Another day I wanted to order shoes for my son. She asked to get one pair of shoes for his school. I asked where the old one I wanted to check the size if I could order online. But what and how she responded was hurtful. She said “ I can afford his shoes I will pay, you go and get it, Hitesh anuj k liye apni family k liye bada ho jata hai mera beta nhi pahan sakta kya ache shoes” I had no idea from where Hitesh anuj came in the Picture but (They are my nephew)

Why does she have to compare any items with my nephews, why can't they be happy? I have my own Flat, no EMI , I have a plot on her name, flat on her name, both are Loan free. She is working in one of the top IT companies earning 1 lakh in a month Always works from home. Why can't she be happy ? What should a man do to keep their wife happy ? most of the energy gets wasted to keep thinking about this. And your mood, your child growth everything depends on your family Mahool (situation) She wanted to sleep , she went to sleep I understand she felt tired, 

She cooks good food. We have no issues in our private moments at all. We both work in IT, and go out for dinner mostly on weekends. She is busy with her office work, I also try to help her in cooking , cleaning utensils and feeding my kid (9) years old and also play with him and have a good time. 

Sometimes even if I feel sleepy while watching a movie or any tv show at night or in the afternoon when I am done in bed, I try to take the power-nap on the sofa itself. She says to go and sleep inside but I am scared of her later reaction which is not to me. She keeps on talking ( apna khana apna sona, raat bhar jagna din me sona, ye wo kabhi is insaan ne mere bare me nhi socha ) and it's been going on for the last 10 years.

Every single day I am struggling. Why is her mood off now ? What have I done ? I try to be funny, crack jokes, tell stories to my kid while sleeping, she does not involve any of the story while I am telling stories to my son, she just simply try to sleep. I understand she is tired of being a working woman and managing all the households as well.

Now someone must be thinking why you don't hire a maid to help her. I did for years but she will keep on shouting for help if she takes any unplanned leave, I had to clean the utensils because I have approved her leave. She will get angry at her work also and do nothing to the maid, this is all anger to me. Utensils are not cleaned properly, see this bowl, see this glass.

Under the sofa cleaning is not done properly, see the balcony. And I have changed a few maids to see if things are better but all are the same, as they have to finish multiple house.I have decided not to have the maid for cleaning and this is not about cleaning this is about how a man feels being married to a person she is introwords.

I love going to the lake, birdwatching, but if a pigeon made a home on our balcony she would keep on shouting at me. What's my mistake in this ? and I am sure the pigeon wont understand her language at all.In one balcony the mother left 2 eggs because my wife does not want the birds, In the small balcony there are two small babies and I am waiting for them to start flying so I can get the net fixed and no more birds.

As per my wife, if birds are not good for luck at home then why do people keep them as pet ? Can anyone answer this ? this post is not to criticize about my wife but just let out my feelings with unknown, if you are one of the known to me then dont Judge, everyone has the similar life but not everyone is good to write the feelings to share.

So let's learn to share and I welcome your comments or your stories.one question to you if you have read it till here. Do people stay married just because of a kid or do they separate and get divorced for their happiness as well ?

 

No Common sense

 

08/05/2025 | 1:56 am.

Let me tell you the story what happened today. I went to Gurudwara to learn Harmonium.

I was early today and very few kids came by the time I reached. So guruji gave me chance to play and then told me to wait for Tabla class.

Guruji who teach table went to have his food and we all kids were waiting. There were few ladies also who came with their kids for music classes.

This is the free class session happens 3 days in a week. There were two kids around 10-12 years old who were doing Tabla practice. One of them also showed me how to use fingers at the right place.

 

There was one small kid , may be 3-5 years old was playing very nice table. I felt like making his video or photo. So I asked a lady who was sitting next to me that is this your Kid ? she says yes !

I asked for her permission if I can take a photo of the kid he is playing so nicely . But she says NO.

I also dint say anything after that. after sometime guruji came back from his Food break. All the kids started coming in line and being a biggest learner I dint do the same thing and waited for my turn.

After two three kid’s turn I went near the guruji and asked for my turn after the current kid’s turn.

He said ok. When the current kid was playing, there was also another kid playing next to him who recently showed me how and where to use fingers on table. So he was playing so nicely and I was just being happy seeing his performance, but the lady who was sitting next to me started saying why are you watching my Kid continuously ?

I was shocked not even close to understand what just happened. and she complain to Guruji that he was taking photo. I responded I was not watching your kid and the pic I was asking about that small kid who was playing table.

Then Harmonium Guruji called me and asked what happened.  I said Guruji it was not her sone I wanted to take pic it was that 3-5 years old kid who was playing table so nicely.

And after she said no I dint take the pic also. And here I was just looking at the another kid who was playing. Guruji said don’t take anyone’s photo here I said ok and went back to my seat.

That Lady started gossiping to other ladies about the incident. Everyone started looking at me. After my table turn I started going out and then I sid sorry to that lady sahying if you felt bad or anything I am sorry but I dint mean that to take any picture and she started arguing.

After few seconds gurji said you go home. And to that lady guruji said he said sorry now please don’t drag it .

I felt so uncomfortable to understand what my mistake was here ?

What and why she felt bad. She was not in a good mood already. I was just the excuse to let her anger out.

I felt like crying. Then two of my friends came to meet me at home. I already had dinner at Gurudwara, so I still set with them and enjoyed their company, tried to be fake but I was feeling so bad inside me.

After they left I told the story to my roommate about the day what has happened.

What he said it happened because you don’t have common sense. That word touched my emotions. My roommate said I was inside my room and you just knocked and open the door. That means you have no common sense.

He also said I am doing same thing with everyone. I don’t make good eye contacts with his friends also . Everyone felt uncomfortable at home when they are here . they way you look at them is not good.

He made me believe that I have no common sense but then I cried and accepted it may be you are right.

Then he went inside his room. I called one of my best friend back in India asking if this is true ? do I make people uncomfortable? in my today’s incident is there anything my mistake or you felt my bad intention?

He said no you are absolutely right, and you did the right thing to me mingle with people.

Don’t thing too mutch.

Take away:

1.    Don’t make eye contacts with the people and not to try to be mingle.

2.    don’t every try to open someone’s room after knocking wait for them to come and open.

3.    Stop explaining yourself to others better open the laptop and tell how your feelings in words to speechless papers.

4.    No need to share your pain or happiness ..just keep it with books.

Signing off at 2:20 am

Deep Dive with yourself..

Hi, Good morning to yourself, Yes

it's yourself am greeting to !! Don't be surprised to talk to yourself in life sometimes, in fact, which we do most of the times, but we have never taken it seriously to call it a DeeP Drive with yourself.

Its Tuesday morning 26th Feb 2019 and 7:34 am IST. I came from night shift yesterday night and slept around 4:00 am after watching some youtube to make sleep. Generally, I wake up around 11:00 am but today something disturbed me in my dream.

yes, you read it right !!  My own dream disturbed me from my early morning sleep. You might have heard it multiple times in your life or must have heard it somewhere that "Dreams are not what you dream in your sleep, Dreams are the dreams which doesn't let you sleep. Written by DR. APJ Kalam" 

But its true. It has happened to me multiple times. and these dreams don't let me sleep peacefully. which costs me my early morning sleep or sometimes my midnight turns in to moring keep thinking and keep talking to myself. 

we Human are being affected by a common issue called "JUDGE SOMEONE or ASSUMPTION " which you must have done before jumping to my next line. 

Yes, you must have started judging myself by now thinking I must visit a doctor or am too stressed or I need a close friend or this can be anything as per the best thoughts in your mind. End of the day you know yourself rather then me assuming you here again that what will you think about me and prove it again that we humans are affected by a common issue called "JUDGE SOMEONE or ASSUMPTION " 

actually, it happens with most of us which I assume again being a human but most of the time we are not mature or capable enough to realize that we are talking to yourself and its the same thing which Dr. APJ Kalam tried to say in his saying "Sapne wo nhi jo aap sote Huwe dekhte ho, Sapne to wo hai jo apko sone Nhi date" whenever it happened with me I used to write it on dairy, yes that's the most easiest way to express yourself to talk to yourself and make it a self-discussion with yourself, or you can call it "DEEP DRIVE WITH YOURSELF" and of course which brought me to the success till now in my life.  Maybe in your words am not success yet but I don't give all the rights to your to Judge me here again on my success definition. 

My meaning of being the success for myself to coming up with the best solution until I made it true and dint disturbed me again, which called my dream I tried to write each of my small dream on papers and just worked on it which actually helped me in life and every time made me happy too. And yes end of the day it's all about happiness. Am I right? ask yourself even though I won't be knowing the answer but it's about you this time. and am sure the answer made your smile and if not yet then pose here and ask again? you will smile am dam sure about it.

this is the first time am writing it online believing Mr. Modi Digital India and yea its easier than writing in my diaries which became eye-opening secrets to my siblings sometimes, let me mentioned the first name my younger brother "Mahesh". he used to read it and used to keep it with himself until we used to fight for something which I called now the memories with your siblings. am sure everyone has such sweet and painful or joyful memories. which I already mentioned you know yourself better than me. I called it sweet memory but i had stopped writing some secrets and so many self analysis in dairies after he used to say " FIR LIKHEGA APNI DAIRY ME OR ROYEGA" which meant " you will go and write again and start crying so let it be" Maybe he has gone through some of the painful self Deep Drive discussion with myself which I end up writing on speechless pages which called speechless but talk a lot when they start talking. 

and now I can say maybe because of fear of losing your secret you also never tried to write in on any piece of papers, or maybe your have tired but stopped after knowing that you are being of that Chander who has stopped writing it for years and so.

let's talk about another type of people who have been into the same situations but end up talking about it to someone close friend, or with parents or with their GF/BF or with anyone. But now if you are one of them then try to recall it and smile again that it was not just a solution to that particular problem which got resolved by discussing with someone, its again about yourself, You let someone of your close person to read your personal thoughts which you could not write or keep it with yourself and came to some conclusion. but you Deep drive with yourself, with your own unanswered thoughts, with your curiosity of "WHY always ME" situations. I could be one of them like you, in fact, it tried too. I have spoken to some of my friends too the 2nd and 3rd name here Ravinder and Vicky Gupta but most of the time I missed my Dad.

I always wanted to discuss such situations with my Dad, yes I lost him in my childhood when I was in the 9th standard of my school days. even though I was in the teenage group but I used to sleep next to him in winters, when you get to sleep with your mom or dad even you get a separate bed in summers.

maybe that's the reason I miss him in such situations, i used to complain and talk to him about so many things until I fell asleep and the best part was he always had an answer of my stupid and childish question, hoping every dad on earth try their best to answer their kids, even if they don't know and they end up saying anything to keep you shut, but in my case it was not so, Google was not introduce to me yet, so my dad was my Google. and I believed him whatever the answer was. and yes I still remember, sometimes my questions were like " Dad why these spiders make Web ? " and the answer was " Sprinkler flies to trap the flies so that they can eat them" or "Machar makhiyon ko jaal me fasane k liye taaki wo subah inko kha sake"

when life has become spider's web "makdi ka jaal" and we are the flies who try our best to get out of it and keep trying by discussing our life issues with friends or family and it keeps going in all the generation. some of them get to identify and become the writer, some of them end-up writing a `few blogs and some of them stop writing dairies in the fear of getting exposed by their dear ones.

the time which I spent with my dad made me believe that every question has an answer. and I kept on asking people whoever is surrounding me if no-one then to myself and now we have google. Getting an answer from Google is not that interesting and enjoyable the way it's asking to your loved ones, like your Dad, your mom or your GF/BF. you always have feelings now you know it which you think most of the other people don't know yet. because being an innocent kid you think they don't have your dad (the other kids).

I have been writing so many lines by now but haven't come up with a season why I woke up at 7:00 am and from 7:30 till now which is 9:00 am, still writing, so the dream was knowing your own family.

Let me Elaborate, ( new word from 3 idiots ).  we all have families and especially am talking about our cousins who are our brothers or sisters but we hardly get time to spend with them or to know them more like coffee with Karan. I don't know it happens with you guys or not but am talking about what has happened with me. I have few cousins which I feel having a "chai pe charcha" how is life going on, how did you handle that situation, have you ever been in such situation, in fact, they are your elders and they have seen all such situations before yourself. in-fact they can be your idle, sorry let me correct myself, why do we need an idle. but yea we can at least talk to them to know your family, your own family, your past moreover some issues they must have gone through and handled in a better way.

let's ask yourself and you have full rights to judge me here if am right or wrong. maybe we all have few people in our lives who are not talking to you anymore or maybe not the same way they used to talk. or maybe you have tried to say sorry to them for no reason as per yourself but you tried to convince them. and why it still bother you ? does their importance in your life still matters that much which doesn't let you sleep properly? 

No, it doesn't, but as I started my lines its Deep drive with yourself. We need to talk to yourself and analyze what are we not good enough to not to hate by our own family members at least . are we not good enough to prove yourself that we are not same anymore, we do think about family, we do think about their presence and we still think we can be happier than we are, in fact, they are also busy in their busy life, everyone has own busy and hectic schedule in their life. but don't you think for them also we are part of their own family, did they ever think of you ? or your presence in their life ? or they are also end-up discussing it with their loved one ? or they have also stopped writing in dairies with the fair of getting revealed by themselves?

let's come out from our family boundaries and let's think about all other friends too !! who doesn't talk to you anymore or they don't like you? especially why am talking only about them who already don't like talking to you and not focus on myself?

there are so many why and I keep talking to yourself in our daily life but we ignore them, maybe we think its waste of time or no point of talking about it. or any reason. 

But my point is analyzing yourself and the best way to find your bad part to work on it is to talk to the people who already don't want to talk to you anymore. tried to know why? what happened ? what can be done? how can he/she forgive you? what needs to be improved? and need to tell them you need their acceptance with better you in yourself. and let them realize it's their loss too by continuing the same harmful heat for you.

we have so much other useful stuff to work together, there are hundreds of issues about your family, about your family status, about your problems, about their problems which not just give you satisfaction, but also the happiness of acceptance. because satisfaction is the key to happiness.

maybe you take few minutes to finish it fast or you left it in middle but it's 9:30 am IST and it took me complete two hours to write in my digital dairy called "BLOG" try to talk to yourself and take my words, you will feel awesome. its a great exercise for self-satisfaction, again that's the key to happiness.

Pain in Train , Delhi to Bangalore...

I regret my marriage because it destroyed me. I got married in an arranged marriage setup. I was always the shy, studious, & rule abiding girl. I had never dated or had a boyfriend. 1 year after graduation, my parents had me meet with a guy from a nice, respectable family. He was educated, soft spoken, & respectful. We met 3 times & the engagement was made official. The wedding date was set for 4 months later & we had a charming courtship period. We would pamper each other with affection, gifts, & romantic gestures. We got married & were living happily. Some issues were there. Like he used to get angry frequently, my mother-in-law would try to make decisions regarding me without consulting with me, that I felt I’m subtly being pressured to quit my job, etc. I discussed them with my mother & she would always ask me to adjust. She said such small issues always come up in new marriages & I would eventually learn how to deal with every family member in a loving way. She also asked me not to reveal too many household details. A wife should uphold the dignity of her new home & not get her parents too involved because my new family might feel that my parents are interfering. I adjusted & life was normal. 1 year into our marriage, I felt the most safe & comfortable with my husband. I had no doubt that he was the life partner God had made for me. His love for me gave me the courage to reveal my darkest secret to him. One night when my parents-in-law weren’t home, I sat him down & told him everything. When I was 14-years-old, I was sexually molested many times by a family relative. The minute he heard that, he froze. He leaned back, said nothing for several minutes, & eventually walked out of the house. I had expected that. I understood it might take him sometime to process the information. It wouldn’t be easy to know that the woman he loved so much had been through such trauma. But I decided to be vulnerable with my husband because I knew that he would become my strength. He came back after some time. He asked me all the details. This was the first time I had even mentioned about the abuse to anyone, so talking about the details was even more difficult & painful. But I did. If my husband asked it, there must be a reason. He deserved to know. I told him all the ways I was touched, rubbed & penetrated. He went to bed & immediately slept. I respected his reaction & gave him the time to process. Weeks went by & he was still in the same mood. All those weeks, he didn’t talk to me directly, didn’t even hold my hand once. I pleaded him to talk to me. To at least communicate. After some days he finally said something. “I want a divorce” That’s it. No reason. I broke down into tears. I didn’t know what had I done. I begged him to resolve any problems that he might have with me. He finally opened up after hours of my begging. He said I had cheated him into marrying me. That I lied to him when I said I had never had a relationship before him. That I spoiled his life. I was a cheat, a liar. I tried to make him understand that I hadn’t cheated him. I hadn’t even had the courage to reveal all this to my parents or best friends. I wasn’t waiting for us to get married & then reveal it to him. I never even thought I would share it with someone. But it was his love & care that made me trust him with my life. I finally felt safe enough with a person to share my biggest burden with, and that I was so lucky that my husband was the person. But I had no reply to what he said next. He said he had been a virgin before marriage so he deserved a girl who was just as pious as him, and I wasn’t that. He said he felt disgusted that he ever slept with me. That I was an immoral girl, a used & discarded woman. He said that 14-year-old girls aren’t children. They are sexually mature. He knew some 14-year-old girls when he was young who even had boyfriends & made out with them. He said I must have lured my rapist into having sex with me, I enjoyed it while it lasted, & now that he’s dead I’m blaming him to seem innocent. That 10 minute rant shattered me, my confidence, and my belief in love & humanity. I couldn’t even cry anymore. I was dead inside. For the next few months, I still tried to be the good wife he loved before. But he grew more distant, disrespectful, & aggressive everyday. Eventually even our families started noticing it. They asked me, but what could I say? It stemmed from something I never had the courage to talk about. I was craving for his love & affection. Once, I put my hand on his face & leaned in to give him a peck on his cheek. He pushed me back & I bumped into a door a few feet way. I tore a muscle in my back but he didn’t even flinch. He shouted at me not to put my dirty lips on him & walked off. I had to call my best friend because I was in unbearable pain. I didn’t tell her anything but she understood what had happened. She took me to a doctor, but refused to take me home afterwards. She made me call my parents & I went to their home with them. Our parents had a meeting to resolve. My father-in-law said that such things keep happening between a couple. It’s not like he had hit me. My mother-in-law guaranteed that she will make sure I’m safe. She even persuaded my husband to come over & apologize. But he refused to do so & declared that I was an immoral woman & he didn’t trust my character. That I wasn’t fit to bear his children. Just that, & even his parents didn’t want me back anymore. A month later, divorce was filed. When my parents tried to fight back by demanding maintenance & alimony, they charged me with many more cases. According to them, I had destroyed their peace, been cruel to them, threatened & physically harmed my mother-in-law, maligned their reputation in the society, stole from them & what not. They obviously couldn’t prove that I was characterless. But I had to talk about my childhood abuse first in front of my parents & lawyer, and then the whole court. Towards the end of our case even the judge asked me why didn’t I file for divorce from such a man on my own & why didn’t I charge him for all the abuse. I am divorced today. The case was settled quickly according to Indian standards because my ex’s family wanted the divorce to get finalized soon so that he could remarry a ‘pious’ and ‘moral’ woman. But in our society, that isn’t an option for me. I’m officially damaged goods, after all. I recently went to my best friend’s wedding. I’m very happy for her, but I often think what if? What if I was never abused? What if my ex-husband’s match had never come for me? What if I had never trusted him enough to share it with him? What if I too would have dated, and after some hit & trial found love like my best friend did? Breaking up is certainly better that getting divorced, after all. What if I had said yes to that popular guy in college? He ended up marrying another classmate of ours he asked out after I turned him down, & they seem so happy. What if I was in her place today? I wish I could redo my life. But I can’t. I have resigned to this life now.